Dear Mr. Aldean,
I would first like to congratulate you on your recent viral fame and your unwavering commitment to owning and/or triggering the libs.
Your single, “Try That In A Small Town,” is the talk of the internet, from liberals calling it “extremist dog whistle racism without equal” and “a loving tribute to the racist violence of the Jim Crow era” to conservatives calling it “patriotic” and pointing out that artists of color have also said objectionable things. They are making some good points, since, as you surely know, good and bad things are exactly the same. There’s no difference!
Things seem to be going well for you as a newborn mainstream culture warrior. The left tried like hell to cancel you, the way they tried to cancel Jesus Christ. And like the Son of God, you have risen from the cultural grave and will fight for the humble and downtrodden small business owner with a thin blue line American flag tattoo. You have swelling crowds cheering on your every word, even when you said at a recent concert that “everyone has the right to their opinion.” And you’re right about that! Every American can think and say anything they want because, again, no one is right or wrong about anything. I believe James Madison put that in the Bill of Rights somewhere. If he didn’t, he should have.
I’m sure you’re a busy man, finding new cowboy hats for your adorable cosplay Yellowstone shtick, but I was hoping you could answer a few questions about Try That In A Small Town and some comments you made at the aforementioned recent concert. I will accept your answers in written or video form – whichever is more convenient for you.
-You filmed the video for Try That In A Small Town at the famous and well-documented site of a 1927 lynching. Please confirm that was a coincidence, and that you simply thought the backdrop was a nice little touch for your gorgeous and utterly nonviolent music video. They’re saying there’s no way you didn’t know that courthouse was where an 18-year-old black man, Henry Choate – falsely accused of raping a white woman – was beaten by a white mob with a sledgehammer before being dragged and hanged. Maybe you fell asleep in history class!
-In your wonderful song, you say there are people who think it’s “cool” to carjack an old lady or sucker punch someone on the sidewalk or rob a liquor store. I have asked my feckless liberal friends if they believe these acts are indeed “cool” and they just call me names and remind me I’m not allowed to be near their children! Haha. Anyway, if you could specify who thinks random acts of violence are “cool,” that would be very helpful in my defense of you and your song.
-When you croon that “around here, we take care of our own,” surely you’re talking about all citizens of a small town, not just some, as my kooky leftist friends have suggested. Since all inhabitants of small towns are exactly the same -- as are residents of corrupt and vile and weed-reeking big cities -- you, Jason, are committed to defending everyone in a small town against the Antifa-adjacent city slickers who come in and immediately steal the cars of all the old ladies. Please confirm.
-”You cross that line, it won’t take long,” you sing in Try That In A Small Town. The libs are up in arms about this lyric, Jason. They say it is a barely-veiled death threat against racial justice advocates for whom you have had pointed words. I say that’s nonsense. Sure, you talk about being heavily armed and taking the law into your own hands when city folks wander into your small town. And yes, your bloodlust is barely contained as you stare into the camera. But c’mon, someone has to really read into your lyrics to so much as insinuate that you advocate vigilante justice against your political opponents. You simply want them to go back to their third-world big cities! But yes, I will need your confirmation on this one.
-“I love our country, I want to see it restored to what it once was before all this bullshit started happening to us,” you told a raucous crowd at a concert last week. Man, they sure loved that line. Way to go. You know how to rile up the patriots! But again, the libs are asking questions. They’re so nosey about everything! Apparently they want to know what you meant by the restoration of the country, and precisely when did all this bullshit start happening to us. Was it when we abandoned the gold standard? That was my guess, anyway. Some are suggesting you want the nation restored to its former pre-Civil Rights greatness, before everything was so damn racial. Some are saying you’re bitter about the outcome of the North’s War of Aggression. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame you. We love our states rights! The libs can never understand. And finally, what did you mean by “us”? I suppose you’re talking about citizens of an unassuming small town that just wants the government out of its hair. My liberal buddies reject this; they say your comments were a “clarion call for white supremacy” and “reactionary fascist bullshit.” You just can't talk sense into some folks.
Jason, I need your help in countering these specious and deeply unfair claims from the villains on the radical left. They say your lack of specificity is a form of bad faith, to which I say hogwash! Please clarify what you meant in your smash hit and your subsequent comments on your political persecution by the Marxist corporate left.
Yours in lib owning,
Follow Denny Carter on Twitter at @CDCarter13, on BlueSky at @cdcarter13.bsky.social, and on Threads at @firstname.lastname@example.org.